Silly verse department

Our editor, Alison Prince, was moved to write the following spoof version of a well-known poem while mulling over the implications of planning restrictions, and it won a small prize in the Literary Review.

Plans

Kubla Khan was having a bad day.
The planners had turned down his Pleasure Dome,
decreed or not, and boring men had come
from something called Environment, to say
that Alph the sacred river could not be
developed as a chain of poolside taverns
since it was under ten metres from caverns
measureless to man, which last February
had been declared a new Heritage Site.
He could of course apply to Xanadu
District Council for permission to
open a tourist centre, though they might
insist first that he exorcise the ghost
of the woman wailing for her lover.
Parking for eighty cars, third party cover
and new drains were mandatory. Worst
of all, the damsel with a dulcimer
was out. ‘An Abyssinian, you say?
More illegal immigrants? No way.’
Mistake. She was Roedean, called Jennifer.
Kubla glared, then signalled to his men.
Briefcases scattered. Incense-bearing trees
blossomed unheeding as blood flowed. Then peace
descended. ‘Now,’ he said. ‘We’ll start again.’